Unpacking People-Pleasing: Understanding the Fawn Response as a Survival Strategy
Have you ever heard the term “people-pleasing”? According to Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D., author of The Disease to Please, people pleasers are not just nice people who go overboard trying to make everyone happy. Their uncontrollable need for approval from others is a debilitating defense mechanism. In other words, it’s a survival strategy known as the fawn response—a subset of the freeze response.
What is the Fawn Response?
The fawn response is one of four recognized responses to real or perceived threats: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. While the fight and flight responses involve active attempts to confront or escape danger, the freeze and fawn responses are more subtle, passive strategies.
When someone enters the fawn response, they attempt to avoid harm by pleasing others. This often involves putting their own needs and desires aside, prioritizing the comfort and approval of those around them. It’s a coping mechanism that stems from a deep-seated need to stay safe in a threatening environment—real or perceived.
The Connection Between Freeze and Fawn
The freeze response occurs when someone feels overwhelmed by a threat and becomes immobilized, unable to fight or flee. The fawn response builds on this sense of helplessness, adding a layer of compliance and people-pleasing as a way to manage the threat. In essence, the fawn response is the freeze response in action—rather than staying physically still, the person “freezes” their own needs and focuses on pleasing others.
For instance, imagine a child overexposed to anger or criticism. Unable to fight or escape, they might learn to survive by becoming overly agreeable, anticipating the needs of others, and avoiding actions or words that could trigger negative reactions. This pattern can persist into adulthood, manifesting as chronic people-pleasing.
Recognizing the Signs of the Fawn Response
Understanding that people-pleasing can be a fawn response allows us to recognize the signs and explore the underlying causes. Some common indicators include:
Difficulty Saying No: A strong aversion to disappointing others, often leading to overcommitting or taking on too much.
Fear of Conflict: Going to great lengths to avoid disagreements, even at the cost of your own needs or values.
Chronic Self-Doubt: Constantly questioning your own opinions, desires, or worth, especially in the face of others’ needs.
Over-Attunement to Others: Being hyper-aware of others’ emotions, often at the expense of your own.
Moving Beyond People-Pleasing
If you recognize yourself in the fawn response, it’s important to approach this realization with compassion. This behavior developed as a survival strategy, not a flaw. The key to overcoming it lies in curiosity and practicing new ways of responding.
Notice: Start by noticing when you’re slipping into people-pleasing behaviors. Pay attention to physical sensations and situations where you prioritize others’ needs over your own, or where you feel a strong urge to avoid conflict.
Name: Acknowledge the underlying fear or discomfort driving the behavior. Naming it helps you understand what you’re reacting to and why.
Navigate: Practice calming your nervous system with self-regulation strategies so you can set boundaries, express your needs, and build your capacity to be with uncomfortable emotions. Over time, these actions will help you break the cycle of the fawn response.
Embracing Your Needs
Understanding the fawn response and its roots in the freeze response can be a powerful step toward reclaiming your voice and agency. By recognizing these patterns and learning to navigate them, you can begin to prioritize your own needs and well-being—without losing your capacity for empathy and connection.
People-pleasing is not a life sentence. With awareness, curiosity and practice, you can transform this survival strategy into a more balanced, authentic way of engaging with the world.
Join Our Empowering Learning Series
Around 20% of women leaders report feeling paralyzed in critical moments, which can erode confidence and impact their leadership. If this resonates with you, I invite you to join our FREE live online weekly learning series. Starting September 5, we'll dive into the 12 habits that hold women back, inspired by How Women Rise by Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith. Together, we'll explore practical strategies to overcome the freeze response and unlock your full potential. Interested? Click "Tell Me More" to learn more!
